every ending is a new beginning

It’s about that time of year again; the end of summer is approaching fast.  It seems that the older I get, the faster time flies.  It seems like summer just started a week ago to me, yet it’s almost over.  I always get melancholy, and a little sad this time of year through September.  Summer is my favorite season; it’s bright, cheery, warm and carefree, and so it’s passing bums me out some.

I’m especially melancholy this year because, in addition to the summer season ending, other things in my life are ending and beginning, and I haven’t quite sorted out how I feel about them just yet.

Last fall I quit working “for the Man”, and began working from home doing some freelance web design, and selling things in my online boutique.  I’ve never been one to conform, and hated having to work a “regular” job under someone else’s terms.  I wanted to work on my terms, doing something that I enjoyed.  Plus, being a mother, it allowed me to put my kids schedules before work.  No groveling to leave work an hour early to get to that school concert, and all that.  No need to ship them off to after school day care, etc…

I’ve done web and graphic design as a hobby for years, and always thought that it would be awesome to freelance, and make it my full time job as it was something I loved doing, and one can make good money doing it (sometimes).  I wanted to do it forever, but kept working my “regular” jobs, because I was scared to take the plunge and go for it.

Last fall I finally decided that I’d do it, and was convinced that I’d succeed.  I convinced my fiancee that I would, and he supported me and let me have a go at it because he’s awesome like that.  Because I decided to work for myself as a freelancer, sometimes the web and graphic design jobs were few and far between.  Also, it’s hard to compete with the foreign web designers willing to work for a dollar an hour, and just about every job was a struggle to get as a result.  Plus, I’m not very good at promoting myself so that didn’t help.

After a bunch of jobs, I came to the realization that I don’t like making web sites for random people.  When I’m working on a site of my own, or doing something for a friend it’s fun, and being creative comes easy.  But when I’m trying to do it for someone I don’t know from a hole in the wall, it’s downright torture to me.  So, considering all of the above, I’ve come to the realization that maybe web design isn’t a good career for me.

I’m still working at the boutique, but the sales aren’t such that it can be my only source of income.  Not by a long shot.  So, I’ve decided to throw in the towel and next week I’m going back to work for another insurance company.  I know insurance, and there’s good opportunity for advancement.  I still long to work for myself, but who knows if the boutique will ever take off.  And I’m not sure what else I would do.  I’ve always loved music, and would love to do something in that area as well.  But I’m starting to think that the time in my life for longing to do these things has passed.  Especially where I’m a Mom, and as such I’m responsible for people other than myself, I don’t really have the luxury of going long periods without making money, and chasing crazy dreams.  This “when I grow up” mentality has got to go…….

One of my sisters just moved out of our Mom’s house yesterday.  She’s moved to an apartment in a city a couple hours away from home with her boyfriend.  They’re happy and excited, and all is well.  She’s going to be going to college there while he’s working.  It’s wierd to have her gone.  It seems like only yesterday she was a toddler (I’m 13 years older).

I’m only going to touch upon this briefly, because I could easily ramble on furiously for a long, long time, and I don’t want to go there.  It’s almost time for my kids to go back to school.  That in itself is enough to make some parents melancholy.  But, thanks to their selfish, narcissistic asshole of a father, they will most likely at least be starting the school year in a school system that I despise, and that’s ridiculous, and not in their best interests for them to attend.  That’s all I have to say about that.

The end?



1 Response

  1. Hi, I found your blog on this new directory of WordPress Blogs at blackhatbootcamp.com/listofwordpressblogs. I dont know how your blog came up, must have been a typo, i duno. Anyways, I just clicked it and here I am. Your blog looks good. Have a nice day. James.

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